Kashmiris : the community

WHY ARE WE MARRYING OUTSIDE THE COMMUNITY: LETS SEE MY ANALYSIS?

‘Im practical…’

‘I go with the flow…’

We are different but whose right??

U, me or both…

The above four liner says it all. Now that we are in the later half of the new millennium we have the new demographic dividend of Kashmir’s, all eligible bachelors (..oops their parents) looking for would be’s some through ‘Koshur Samachar’ and others through their own Samachar.

Some experience tells me that all of the past generation including my mother and father were happy with the system of arranged marriage and yes it has worked fine with low procession time. At least to produce kids like me who can at least put their thoughts on paper and make it to a magazine to publish it. So what’s the problem now??

This world of Kashmiri’s has three types of people. The first of their sort are the kind of families who have a Kashmiri surname and do the bare minimum to justify their existence as a Kashmiri, they announce themselves as Kashmiri’s, do ‘Herath Pooja’ and still wear the ‘Janehu’. When it comes to the second generation of these set they still have the name and nothing else and are open with absolutely no social pressure on maintaining the community spirit and marrying within the community. So it’s clear why they marry outside the community. The second set is a little more extreme. They have the surname still but otherwise are typically ‘Generalized Indian or may be American’, didn’t stay in Kashmir after school, studied outside the state or country and then their second generation kids are just like any other Indian/European/American…The Kashmiri who mingles with the crowd!!!! So why should you blame him if he/she marries outside the community.

Well then comes the complicated third set! This is the only set which gives advertisements in the Koshur Samachar for marriages. They are people who studied outside Kashmir (or maybe not…) but came back before the migration/war. Wherever they live in India they speak Kashmiri, try to bring Kashmiri’s in that area together and want their children to also keep up the spirit. Their second generation kids are the ones who speak Kashmiri, know as much about the culture, festivals etc. and are brought up with the idea that marrying outside the community is something wrong. Their kids are absolutely the same as the above two categories probably even in dressing sense and other lifestyle. So why do they marry outside the community?

The story is something like this. Since the child has known that his family will not accept any one else but a Kashmiri they grow up with this thought in mind so as to no annoy their family. Yet there are two things that happen. The first is that the person blocks his mind against relationships with ‘Non Kashmiris’ and leaves it all for the parents to decide. The second is that since they cannot control some feelings they get into a relationship going with the flow…If family says no they marry forcefully (arranged…) still loving the person they loved always. The intersection of the above two people leads to the entire problem I have trying to point out in this whole essay. This is because everyone knows that the second thing could happen and given that most Kashmiri kids are engineers and Doctors, it’s difficult to get economists to calculate probability of marrying the second kind to the first kind! So when two families proceed with the meeting after matching the Teknis etc. The boy tries to gauge whether the girl is marrying under parental pressure or is she genuinely not into a relationship. The girl is scared to commit to a guy who looks quite ‘modern’ in his views yet says he wants arranged marriage. Is it a farce! So there is a big gap. This deepens further with ‘reference checks’ which could be fatal for the first group. Given the fact that all her life the girl/boy of the first kind has lived like other kids for who guy friends and being with them is not such a big deal and not a Taboo. In some cases there are also special friends! They spend time together yet without commitments. The reference check tells the boy’s family the girl’s story at work place and then the gap widens. They could confuse the first for the second. Same could happen to the guy. Even in 3-4 meeting s there is tryst to know each other but also the gaps and reports which make u thing 100 times about committing. This happens over and over again until you get into a give up stage and marry outside the community.

Why is this so special only in Kashmiris! That’s a million dollar questions. Here is my analysis. We are nomads, we have no place to go back to, and everyone’s dispersed. There is no state for us where you can find us. After the given up stage if a family comes to a conclusion that may be love marriages are better, where does the girl find a Kashmiri boy!!!

She lives in New Delhi or Bombay; she meets thousands of people everyday but Kashmiris less chance! And then to match intellect, thinking, looks, desires, geographical location..phew!!!..it has to be a fairytale to come true.

What you get in the end is an asset, of course!

The father has a big file with about 200-300 profiles of Kashmiri boys with no.s 22/36 etc. written on it. He can again do two things with them. Sell it to the ‘Kabbadi waala’ for 30 bucks or open a job consultancy. But with the current world crisis I think the first option is less risky.